Transcendental Reality

Today is one of those days when I have a hard time holding it in.  My excitment, and my love, and everything just bubble up so much, I could explode. 

And then I start to think…but everybody who knows me is going to think I’m SOOOOOOOOO weird. 

Then again, the ship has already saild on that ocean.  I am weird.  I am.  Always have been.

There are a lot of people who have known me over the years who were/are skeptical of my change in faith.  Some people, because they just are naturally skeptical…others because their own belief systems don’t allow them to even consider that what I feel, or what I believe, is real.  And even others who just can’t see anything in being Christian but restrictions, and reject it for their own freedoms. 

But it works for me.

Every day, in little ways, God reveals to me that He is working in my life.  That He is here, that He is listening, that He knows my needs.  ANd the asnwer isn’t always yes on what I ask…but time after time over the last seven months, He has shown He will take care of me. 

This morning, I woke up around 5:45.  This is pretty normal for me, as Chloe generally has her first wake-up between 5:45 and 6:30.  I make her a bottle and bring her into bed with us, to sleep until 7 or so.  Well, at 5:45 this morning, having been up past 2 talking with Hubs, I kind of groaned and thought – there is NO WAY we are going to the 9:00 service.  NO WAY.  And I went  back in forth in my head.  I really wanted to make it to church today, but I was SOOOOOOOOO tired.  So I decided I’d try and go back to sleep, and if I was awake in time to go to the 9:00 service, I’d go.  If not, we’d shoot for the 11. 

Well, I did fall back asleep, until I heard a knock on our bedroom door at 7.  I figured it was Kelsey, knocking to see if we were getting up for church.  It wasn’t Kelsey.  In fact, it wasn’t ANYONE.  There may not have even been a real knock- may have just been in my head.  But that had me up in time for church.  (Be skeptical if you wish, but I can’t help but think that was God making sure I had no excuses!)

I got to church, and it felt good to be there.  We’ve missed several weeks, due to weather, and illness, and having to go out of town for a wedding.  I will be honest and admit – we haven’t gone since before Christmas!  (eeks.)  I had decided months ago, when I bought a 1 year chronological Bible, that I would read through it this year.  And then, since we got back from Minnesota, I haven’t picked my Bible up to do my daily readings.  Well.  Guess what? 

My church is doing the SAME THING – the 1 year read through the Bible.  And time and time again, the pastor today said – Hey – if you’ve gotten out of the habit and missed a week or two – jump right back in! (Hello?  Message right to me, or what?)  Anyway…I just felt so awesome when we left…Energized, and renewed, and full of love and happiness and excitement.

The funny thing is, the Pastor opened the service saying he felt pretty much that same way (so I guess it’s contagious), but I WILL NOT describe it the same way he did.  (Trust me, you’ll be happy I left that out.)

And also?  The icing on the cake?  Schmoops told me while we were waiting for the service to start that she’s been praying for some of the same things I have – things that we’ve seen start happening in our life.  And I can see, for her, she’s feeling God working in her life too.  Seeing that, as a mom, is just so indescribable.  It’s amazing.  It’s almost like giving birth to her all over again, but I had this realization that our relationship is changing.  We’re going beyond being Mother and Daughter to beings Sisters in Christ…and…that’s just…it feels wonderful. 

SO…I’m just tickled today.  I could not be happier.  Ok, if God said yes on us winning the lottery, it would possibly increase my temporary enjoy-o-meter, but that’s pretty much unlikely to happen!  LOL

Anyway – hope you’re all having a FANTABULOUS day.  My mini-monster just woke up from her nap, so I am going to go crack the whip on the rest of the fam so we can go raid the bookstore.  WOOHOO!

In a former life (before I became a stay at home mom), I used to be a software consultant. Each week, I’d pack up, get up at 0′dark thirty on a Monday morning, trudge to the airport, take generally two flights over four or five hours, and spend my week at client sites running projects, analyzing systems, doing configuration – whatever was needed. Each Monday night I’d check into my hotel room, figure out what “the gang” was doing for dinner, (or if I was lucky, order something from room service), get back to my hotel, spend the rest of the night doing whatever work I could from the hotel room and talking to my family on the phone.

In the beginning, I was excited about all that travel. Airports and hotels and room service were all something I had rarely had the opportunity to enjoy in my life up to that point – they were a special treat. As I thought about consulting, they were the one thing (I figured) that made being away from my family 4 nights a week worthwhile.

The thing is, after you wake up in hotel room after hotel room – each one designed to look exactly like the last, the glamor wears off quickly. I remember waking up in a Ma*riott Court&yard on more than one occasion (several of the projects contracted with that particular hotel chain), and having absolutely no idea what city I was in. I had been in exactly the same room in so many different places, I had to look at the notepad in the room to remember where I was.

Sure, there were notable exceptions along the way. My project in Burbank put me up at a corporate apartment, and I had the bonus of great sushi, Los Angeles close at hand, and a really awesome project to make that one special. But for the most part? The travel became a drudgery.

This weekend my brother is getting married. In Minnesota. In JANUARY. Yesterday, two of my children and I packed into a rented car with three of my other relatives (and not nearly enough room for our luggage), drove 400 miles in the sleet, ice, rain, and snow, and I find myself once again, in a hotel room.

Now I will admit, I was a little excited. My room has a jacuzzi, and despite the fact that I know it’s somewhat gross being in a jacuzzi hundreds of other people have been in, I looked forward to relaxing a little.

But once again, I’m sitting here in a hotel room, missing my comfy bed at home. Sure, the bed here is more comfortable. Sure, I can keep the space impeccably clean the way *I* like it – without my brood destroying everything. And sure- I’m happy to see family I don’t get to see very often.

But I miss home. I miss my husband. I miss my kids. I miss my stupid dogs.

I guess I should be greatful I had that opportunity in my life to learn exactly how much being home meant to me. The pay was great, the benefits were great, I learned a lot and gained experience I never would have otherwise, and I got to travel places I never would have otherwise. Granted, I didn’t get to DO anything in most of them other than work, but still, I was THERE!

I love my home. I love my husband. I love my children (even the one that is presently barfing her guts out. Stupid Virus.)

I wanna go home!

Almost exactly 16 years ago this very moment, I went into labor.  I would be absolutely lying if I said I wasn’t struggling with this.  Tonight we were out birthday shopping, and I very nearly started bawling in the card store.  I was looking through all these cards…Happy 16th Birthday, and other heartfelt cards…and I just got very emotional.  It just feels like this is the beginning of the end…like it’s all downhill from here in terms of her needing me in her life.

From here, she starts driving (someday!), she gets a job, she graduates from high school and perhaps has the unmitigated gall to move away to go to college…she meets a good man and falls in love…gets married…has babies…and lives her life completely independent of me.

And I KNOW it’s a good thing.  I KNOW she has to grow up and live her own life…

But just yesterday she was my baby, just the two of us against the world.  Just yesterday I was holding her in the hospital, admitting to her that I had NO IDEA what I was supposed to do with her…and promising that we’d figure it out together.

:sigh:

I know it will all be fine.  But…she’s my BABY.

(And don’t ask what happened when I found a little pink Baby’s 1st Birthday ducky.  Yes, C turning 1 is ALSO going to kill me.  Why does life have to go by so fast?)

…when your 9 and 11 year old sons decide they would suddenly rather hang out in their room than watch it. District 9 is NOT a kid movie. REPEAT…District 9…not for kids. (Hence the R rating. DUH.)

Ok, I was game for the snow. I’ve enjoyed it, even. I know, everybody complains about all the snow days, and being cooped up…but the snow? I love it. It was so pretty falling yesterday.

But the cold? The mother humming cold? WOW. My feet may have actually turned into blocks of ice. This is DEFINITELY one of the downsides of the wood floors we put in. I’m going to go dig out my toastiest slippers, because presently I have no feeling below my ankles. Eeks.

So I’m sticking better to some of my resolutions than others. The daily Bible reading is going well, but…the diet? Not so much. Shocker there! The downside I have discovered of the chronological Bible is that there will be passages that start out like this: “Then Bildad the Shuhite replied:”…and I sit here going…wait – then? There was no before to follow the “Then”…and replied to whom? Because people…I am nothing if not anal retentive. I mean, really. I own that fully. ANd if you’re going to tell me something happend “then”, I want to know what happened before! And it’s just not here.

That said, I am really enjoying the time. I’m also a little bummed. Because of the snow/cold, I missed the orientation for the Bible study group I wanted to start. Not sure if the orientation will be offered again next week…if so maybe there’s still a chance I can go, but if not, I will be bummed.

We were debating making a stir-fry for dinner. I also have the makings for either chili or white chicken chili, or ham and bean soup – all of which sound REALLY yummy. This is just soup weather, ya know?

SO, I’m thinking of dying a purple streak in my hair. (Or, letting Hubs do it.) Hrm. Maybe I’ve been stuck inside too long?

…has the insanity vacated the mall yet? I mean, really. I avoid the mall if at all possible from about Nov 1 through the holiday season. I’m not sure if January 4th officially means the season is ended, but listen, people. I have a birthday party to throw on Sunday. I have a kid to get a present or two for, and for some unknown reason, she seems to think I should shop for her at Hot Topic. (Hey, she could have begged us for a new car, so I suppose Hot Topic is potentially the lesser of two evils.)

And yes, I just said that. My little baby girl…my beautiful sunshine…she’s gonna be 16 in just six days.

Oy vey.

Ok, I actually had to stop and think about my login. THAT means I’m not blogging enough. But jeez…who has time, ya know?

FYI – I am NOT enamoured of Philosophy’s Gingerbread Man Bath & Body Gel. It actually smells pretty good – however – not even remotely (to me) like gingerbread. Alas, this is why I love samples. I got to try it out, and I do smell pretty fantastic, but…not like I expected. Wonder what other samples they have…hrm…

C slept for almost 2 1/2 hours this afternoon. But only because I cuddled and laid here with her. Otherwise, we couldn’t even get half an hour out of her. Oy. I honestly cannot get ANYTHING done in 1/2 an hour. And our house is just SO not baby proofed, whenever she’s not sleeping, I’m watching her like a hawk. Good thing she’s cute!

We saw Avatar (3-D) last night. I actually enjoyed it. It was REALLY long, and that was my one take-away. I wish they could have made it shorter, but I’m not sure what they could have taken out of it. I think pretty much EVERYTHING builds up to something you need to know toward the end. The 3-D was cool, but it did make me kind of sick to my stomach. (I thought maybe it was the pathetic excuse for pizza I ordered there, but I felt fine once the movie was over, so I’m pretty sure it was just the movie.) But it was pretty awesome. I highly enjoyed it.

So…here are my New Year’s Resolutions, starting Monday morning. (Like how I gave myself one more day to be lazy?)

1.) I will find at least 30 minutes each day to read the Bible and pray.
2.) I will do #1 BEFORE bedtime, so I don’t fall asleep mid-prayer.
3.) I will improve my overall health by 25%. (Lower BMI 25%)
4.) Hubs and I will get a grip on our financial situation and get things under control.
5.) I will get back to menu planning to improve our grocery spending, and plan healthier meals for us as a family.

I think that’s enough. If you know me, all of those are pretty big things. Even #2, because I have a REALLY hard time finding even a half hour free each day. Unless I get up early, and…yeah, when we don’t go to bed until well after midnight most nights, and C wakes up between 6:30 and 7…eeks!

I’ve read my chronological Bible the last 2 days, which is actually kind of interesting. So far all of it is stuff I’ve read countless times before (Just parts of Genesis and I Corinthians so far.) I’m also hoping to start a formal Bible study at my MIL’s church next week, going through John, which I am really looking forward to.

AND…do I have to add #6…blog more? Maybe. We shall see.

And I am an amazing artist! I am supposed to be looking for something for Hubs. But I already looked in two places, and couldn’t find it. So I figured that equalled a break for me, right? No?

So, what have you all been up to? It’s been AGES!

I have been Mommying. And Wifing. But I can’t write much about the Wifing. This isn’t THAT kind of blog!

This morning I went to Second Eldest’s school to give a chat on my career choices. While my presentation was the shiznit…they were UNIMPRESSED! Oh well. I suppose I would have been unimpressed too when I was 13. Heck, sometimes I’m unimpressed with that particular career at 35!

In other news, since I never update here…Chloe is crawling now…and not far from walking. We’re working on sleep training, which is going well…except for naps. Naps are the bane of my existance. I so wish I could get her to sleep for a little longer. Right now I get a half hour out of her in the morning, about an hour to an hour and a half after lunch, and then she needs another half hour or so in the early evening. Which sounds like a lot, but at 9 months, it’s just not quite enough for her. Hopefully we can work things out soon!

Other than that…things are pretty much same old same old. I’m excited for Christmas this year. We did manage to get our tree up, and blocked so the baby can’t get to it or the presents. So far she’s more interested in the xbox controllers than the tree. She IS her father’s daughter!

Anyway…my time is up…she’s awake. But I updated!!!

WOW.  In eight years of blogging (my blogiversary was the day after Thanksgiving…I missed it!) I have never gone this long without writing!

I miss blogging, but I admit Facebook fills the void.  In it’s on ADD way, Facebook gives me an outlet that doesn’t require as much time or energy as writing an entire blog post.  It makes me sad, though.  I documented most of my pregnancy via this blog and another one for the family.  I’ve documented most of the ups and downs of my life on my blog.  And…well…For most of the last 8 months I haven’t put a whole lot here.

I used to feel like I was DYING if I didn’t write something here at least once a day.  Now…I go weeks and weeks, and almost write out of guilt.  I’ve got this blog, I should use it.

And the sad thing is, writing is one of my favorite forms of therapy.  And therapy?  I need it.  Having an infant is not without it’s own share of stress.  Having an infant along with four other children, each of whom is their own little puzzle with their own challenges and successes…well let’s just say I have a very full plate! 

So updates…Chloe is doing wonderfully.  She is crawling now, and pulling up on EVERYTHING.  I mean LITERALLY EVERYTHING.  If she is awake, she wants to be moving…Pulled up and “walking” around the furniture.  I am going to say I think we’re within a month of walking.  SCARY!  The house is not yet baby-proofed, so my entire day is generally spent right next to her, keeping her from eating dog hair tumbleweeds and whatnot.

Along with starting to crawl, her first tooth finally popped through.  This is a big deal – she’d been teething for months, and you could feel them right there.  Finally the first one is through – right as I wanted to start sleep training.  She had been sleeping through the night, but for a little over a week she quit.  The only way I can get her to go back to sleep at night is to bring her into bed with us, which I KNOW is a huge no-no.  And breaking her of the habit is going to suck.  The bad thing is, you’re not supposed to attempt sleep training while they’re teething, so who knows when we’ll get it started.  I just know having her sleep with us is NOT good for Hubs or me…we’re both exhausted. 

Anyway – YAY I finally wrote something!  Maybe I’ll write again tomorrow.  Probably not

I have been blogging for almost eight years.  Eight years is a long time.   I have seen bloggers come and go, and blog “friendships” come and go.  I have seen scammers.  I have seen heartfelt people be destroyed by others who are uncaring.  I have seen a lot.

I have pulled back a lot from what my online interaction once was.  I can count on one hand the number of people I am “close to” online.  I read quite a few blogs, however, and in doing so, there is an odd sense of closeness that develops with some of the writers.  You see the outpouring of their souls from time to time…and for those who are halfway decent writers, you care about what happens to them.

One of those people, with whom I’ve exchanged a few emails over the years, and whose blog is one of the first I read any time I sit down to read blogs – although my comments are more and more rare lately – is going through an incredibly tough time.

I am not close enough to her to know what is going on exactly, as she has written about the pain she is going through, but not the cause of it.  I lean on my intuition to glean something of the situation, and it’s not a good thing.  I pray for her daily…sometimes several times a day – whenever she crosses my mind.  I think she would be shocked to know how frequently that is.  Not in an “OMG STALKER!” way…in a “Wow, I didn’t know that many people cared about my situation” way.  (I hope.)

The sad thing is, you read what she writes, and you can sense the desperation…the feeling that things are not even yet at rock bottom…and there’s a fear for what happens when it does get there.  I guess I’m a fixer…I’ve always been one to want to make things better when I know someone is in a bad situation.  And this isn’t something anyone can fix for her.

There’s also the part of me that wants to slap her, and say – HEY – you get one more day to be this way, but then you HAVE to pick yourself up and either move on, or forgive what has happened, because the hellacious limbo you have yourself in right now is good for NO ONE…especially your children.  No matter how much you say they don’t know…it does and it will affect them somehow.

But in the end?  It’s none of my business.  If this person wants to crawl into a hole, and never post another thing on her blog, that’s her right.  We have no right to her life.  There is no custodial right in having spent years reading someone’s every online word.

But either way, it’s a bummer.  Because all we can do is let her know we care.  All we can do is offer to be an ear (or an eye) or a shoulder to cry on. Or offer prayers, even if she doesn’t believe they matter.